Confessions of a retired juggler
I knew something was wrong when I said, “Amen” and opened my eyes. I didn’t expect applause, after all, it was a prayer but neither did I expect the scrutiny of the entire prayer group intentionally focused on me.
“What?” I said.
“What was that?” Richard asked.
“It was a prayer,” I replied indignantly. “You might not want it on a t-shirt but it was still a prayer.”
“For what?” he said.
“For India!” I answered, just a little put out by the question. “What do you think I’d be praying for in the, “Let’s pray for India” prayer group!”
“Very nice,” he said, “but this is the, “Alcoholics Anonymous” group and while you might want to argue that there’s a fairly good chance that there are some alcoholics in India your prayer seem a little bit of a stretch.”
“Oops, wrong day, wrong room,” I said as I backed out the door.
Truth is when I was in college I was in so many prayer groups I often got them mixed up and ended up praying for the President of Compassion International in the, “Godly Women Seeking A Husband Group!” If it existed, I felt obliged to join it. Most of the time I was a good juggler but every now and then I dropped a few balls.
I think I learned to juggle at five. By that age I had come to the conclusion that if you perform well, people love you and if you perform poorly, they do not. We learn to juggle for different reasons as children. It can be because no one notices us if we just sit there. It can be to reduce the tension in our home. For me it was to deflect my father’s violent mood swings when his brain injury took center stage. The conclusion I came to was that just being me would never cut it so I learned to juggle. For a few years I was a juggler in search of a circus and then one day, there it was! Those in charge of the circus called it “ministry” but I could smell the sawdust on the floor and the candy floss in the air and I knew I was home.
The circus had different levels of performers and for most of my juggling career I was on the B team. Those in the A team could keep so many balls in the air it was dazzling. The applause they received was deafening and I felt happy just to be under the same big top. The only problem with juggling is that you rarely get to sit down and be quiet or hug someone or just goof off because you have to concentrate or you’ll drop something.
One day my arms got too tired and I dropped a ball. I should have just kept going but instead I tried to pick it up and then I dropped another and another and before I could get myself together it was all over. I left the tent before anyone could ask me to go, I thought it would be easier for us all. I sat under the stars that night and looked up, they were beautiful. It was so quiet away from the noise of the circus and it was then I could hear something soft and sweet.
Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,
Calling for you and for me;
See on the portals He’s waiting and watching,
Watching for you and for me.
Come home, come home,
You who are weary come home;
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,
Calling, oh “juggler” come home
I’m not sure if I’m supposed to keep this a secret or not but I just wanted you to know that there is life outside the circus and it is very good.
"What? And give up show biz?"
Brilliant parallel, Sheila. For me, it’s been like many, I try to keep all those around me happy. My family, husband, kids, ministry….etc… so often, I forget that’s it’s the audience of One that is important. Discouragement and all kinds “dropping of the balls” seems to cloud my vision. Walking away, I’ve felt overwhelmed by loneliness and pain. I don’t know if I’m making any sense at all. I keep hearing you say, “….one brick at a t time….”. Thanks for that. I’m waiting on the Lord in the silence and finding Him there…there’s hope.
Thanks Laura-there is hope and life and rest, one brick at a time:)
like you i learned to juggle well to keep the peace around the chaos of my life…as a youth my dad worked as a food and beverage manager at a hotel and would require quiet when he was home to rest between shifts…we had to tip toe around him and be quiet till he woke up…he was never satisfied with what we did never praised us always saw the faults and what we didn't do right…my sweet mom always told us …dad works hard he needs his quiet…he was never brought up with the i love you's and all the words of what i thought of as excuses for why he was so abusive physically and emotionally. Thank God my Mom also role modeled a woman of deep faith a prayer warrior and i juggled that too…thank God my dad couldn't abuse me spiritually because i learned to pray and talk with God…at that age i questioned him…i got mad at him…but often times he was the only one i could turn to. Today i just keep reminding myself that i am a beautiful daughter of the King of Kings and although my earthly father failed me…my heavenly father never would and he would not abandon nor forsake me…
Thanks Sheila, thanks for sharing part of your life and what you've discovered along the way
I love your wit and your writing. Just began reading The Heartache No One Sees and it is as if you pulled back my armor and looked right inside my heart. I love Jesus but I don't think I know the way out. If my family and friends at church really knew my sadness it would only burden them. Thank you for your encouragement, Sheila.
I understand your concern Robin and you may be right but often those who love us and long to be close to us wonder what the wall is. The real you is worth loving
Exactly why I love the devotional “Jesus is
Calling.”
Me too-I love that devo
A retired juggler & a retired fire extinguisher; what a pair we make;) Jesus is smilinggggggggg!
OKay that made me smile:)
Sheila,
I juggled my way through life after sexual abuse as a little girl and I seemed to keep the circus entertained and everyone pleased for decades. Then, for an allergic reaction I was given steroids…like the Jane Pauley story and not tappered off of the steroids. It threw me into a manic episode. One ball fell and then another, from mania to depression. Deep depression. Yet another ball fell, and I was depressed enough to tell the family story of abuse. Balls continued to fall until I had none left to fall and I attempted suicide over and over trying to successfully complete suicide. Then, after one attempt I hit rock bottem and I found God's grace. I felt if I could not juggle for the circus, I wouln't have an identity, but through hard struggling and I mean falling on my face struggling, I have now found that my identity is in Jesus Christ. I'm glad that I've had enough peanuts, cotten candy, ferris wheels, and rollercoasters. Currently, I am working with a Christian counselor seeking a new career instead of the one of juggling. Thank you for being so transparent and teaching others to take their circus world's to Jesus. God Bless You.
Wow Carla-thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing some of the pain of your journey. May God's grace and mercy hold you close
What do we do when it's the economy/world throwing more balls at us? Now in addition to being a wife, mother of 4, church worker, school volunteer we are being forced to take on more work to live in this "two income based economy". I've been working part time for ten years and now with two in college and the recession I'm being forced to work more. I've greatly cut back on my volunteer work. However, finances are forcing the issue.
Quite frankly I'm tired of being frugal, broke, driving beater cars, tent camping for our mini vacations, eating out of a cooler instead of going out, having my kids to without braces….. I know I should be grateful for an employed husband, food to eat, a car to drive, time off (although unpaid), but……….
hmmm, could this be hormones speaking?!?!?!
or just the honest cry of a tired woman? the trouble with this world is that it will never be "right". I have to constantly remind myself that we are on a detour that started in the Garden of Eden and will lead us home but the road sure is bumpy
Thank you for your constant message that we are imperfect people in an imperfect world…that life no matter who you are sometimes rages out of control and that it is all right to rage back…but to cling to our rock.
Well said Christy-thanks!
Love this Sheila! Gonna share it on my Moms On Mission group. You are so authentic and we all need real people being real about their lives. Thank you for being honest. It's such an encouragement.
so sweet, thank you!!
Thank you for this message. So many people are trying to juggle.
I don't think God designed us for juggling but for loving and being loved:)
As a mom of four, 2 of which have special needs, I quite frequently feel like a juggler. The problem is I can't juggle. I'm not even good at catching one ball at a time let alone 4. My husband works six 10 hr days, so it's me myself and I. It's hard to juggle, and change "hats" at the same time. Taxi driver, chef, electrician,gardener, pool maintenance, sanitation worker and of course the ever present laundry fairy! Thanks for helping me see it's okay to drop a ball once in a while.